jullsify7 (Юлиана) 10 януари 2017 г., 16:15

The conversation 

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It was early October. The days still were sunny and warm. The scent of autumn could be felt in the air. It still could see green colour mainly with yellow leaves, still reminiscent of just past summer. One summer filled with longings, dreams come true, joy and satisfaction. That summer was memorable, came with longing for a dream and ended with the biggest pain from just a collapsed dream. Someone has said: "Until you smile, you already snap" Ah, how true!
I was once a princess, but it's a long story, I had everything. That was in the summer ...and it now is autumn.
It was just another day in the pre-school; I was sitting on the bus on my way home back. That journey I really hate. It was wasted time even I can’t enjoy reading a book properly; being with bend head causes me a headache. But this time I was reading a book. I needed to escape from my recent life, I needed some inspiration, idea, plan, path, map to show me the way back to who I was indeed. The book was written by a woman who was repeatedly sexually abused as a child by her father. She was telling in her book about how she met Jesus Christ and everything had changed for her. She was talking about emotional healing which she herself has reached and how she forgave her father for everything bad that he had caused her. I was reading it and timely thinking, actually planning how to get back to Denmark (at that time I lived in England). I was trying to imagine my life again in Denmark (before I moved to England to marry, lived three years in Denmark).I was planning to apply for an air- hostess.
My dream has always been to fly, I mean literally, flying like a bird. At this point in my life, I felt that nothing keeps me on the ground, so I just wanted to get away in the sky.To be an air- hostess for me was ideal position, I thought at the time.
... When I got home, I saw my husband- Mark. I behaved coldly with him. Intentionally I did not look him in the eyes. I told him things like when I come back in the apartment at some point; we have to stay in separated rooms that I am going to buy a sleeping bag (as we had only one bedroom, I planned to sleep in the living room). I told him yet that he makes me feel sick and many other negative things which were as shields between us. I was trying to encircle with them, lest he sees how weak and vulnerable I am, how much I am hurt, and nevertheless, I still dare to love him again. How to love that man again, he just destroyed my whole human- being. After one week married, my nightmare started, still at the honeymoon. The same man who said in the church I will be with you in everything. He could love me only with one condition me to be virgin. His love just flew away out from the window. The romance was gone; we went so far from the normal boundaries.
He said to me: "Valentina, give me a theme, so I can write down a poem" I looked confused when I turned eyes into him. Mine features made an expression of perplexing for his indifference. At in the same time I was shocked from the pain rose in my heart of what man I choose to spend my whole life. I replied briefly, without any particular thought: "Revenge." He wrote something there in his notebook. He then went to work another hour, I was left alone.
I went into the bathroom to polish my nails. I started thinking like I was spiral lately, my head was probably changed its shape with so many thoughts, images and situations. My mind was on what I read from the book of that woman. Actually, it grabbed my attention still walking on the way home.
Then another thought came to me. It was like thought with voice, aloud to me, from the deepest places of the spirit and inner person. It was like a voice inside me, trying to say something, the only chance to hear it was to send my mind in bed. That thought was telling me about the example that Jesus was talking about in the Bible for the enemy. If someone asks you to go one mile, go with him two. I stood sitting on the toilet, without realising, I have already spoken aloud as if the thought began to speak through my mouth:
- And you want to show him Your love as a brother?
- Yes.
- And you want me to not think about the future, and to not have any requirements for it?
- Yes.
- And you want me to pray for him and to bless him in Your name?
- Yes.
- And to stop to prove my rightness?
- Yes.
Then I pondered aloud lying on the couch. I started to give out some sounds of amazement and astonishment as if my eyes opened in the blink of an eye. It was like finding the answer to a riddle. "AHA. I realised. Everything was so clear. "And that joy inside outward, you know as you go down the street and smile without any reason, rather smiling to the sun. Joy filled my heart and then it appeared on my face.
God was talking to me, trying to tell me to love my husband with love of Christ, not just a woman's love. I recognised that to love with unconditional love, is you just love, you have no reason, but you do it. Strength filled my spirit, my mind experienced wisdom. I felt like touching a brook of living water, I found a precious diamond in puddle of rain, collected it during the day
Last night I prayed to God for a sign. This morning, the verse that I read from the Bible was: "Jesus answered and said unto him, If anyone loves me will keep my word, and my Father will love, and we will come to him and make our abode in him" it read the gospel of John chapter 14 verse 23.
I did not know what will be my future like, where I will be after a year or two, but I knew it, being the most vulnerable, I could express not that love from movies but eternal love- The eternal love, you know dear reader, it does not die. I know that sounds like a cliché for you. But this is the truth: love is that moment when you're at the bottom, there is nothing to lose, nothing to win, but you choose sacrifice of love without expecting anything back.

                                                                              ***

After staying in the flat which is supposed to be our love- nest, I went back in my mother in low's house to lick my wounds. The reason that I went every day to the flat was to see my two ferrets. Perhaps my sub consciousness wanted me to see my husband, though. Now I have a shelter where I can meditate and take the most difficult decisions in my life. That hole between my chest was significant, I couldn’t ignore it ‘’How was possible’’ I was thinking.

That night Mark came to the house. I didn’t expect anything good from him after all. He wanted to stay for the night, I didn’t mind. I turned myself on one side. I then faced him and asked: ‘’ Can I stroke your hair?’’ He let me to do that. He touched my hair as well. It was such intimacy in the air in that moment, I never felt before. My world stopped, I forgot everything happened earlier. It was like the world was disappeared. We were like flying souls, connecting for a first time with only one gentle touch, that touching was our connector of the deepest places in our human's spirits. I wish to stay like that forever… In the next minute Mark raised up and said that he is going back to the flat, he cannot stay here with me.  I had not any choice just to try to fall asleep and to imagine that was just a bad nightmare and the reality is still out there with rosy marriage and my husband who loves me.

I stayed one week in my mother in low’s house then I went back to the flat. Nothing changed. The trauma was so big for me that I went to the doctor. He diagnosed me with very severe depression. I couldn’t believe this happening with me, I didn’t know how everything would finish.

                                                                       ***

‘’Wake up! Wake up!’’ Someone screams into my face.

There was two big brown eyes and mouth trying to tell me something. That was my best friend Kalista.’’ What is she doing here?’’ thinking. I felt confused but happy as well. I was like I didn’t know where I was, it was real, or even I didn’t know what was real at that moment.

‘’So, it was a dream! It was no real!’’ keeping saying the same things, to convince myself this now my friend, me staying in my room in Denmark, that is real.  There was no wedding, there was no naughty husband. I felt so relieved. I signed up on the dating website where I had profile, looking through different male profiles; maybe some could be potential husband for me. I then saw on the third page of the website this guy with blond hair and a nice smile; he looks like the Little Prince. He was hot. I was going to send a message to him, he was from the UK. I just remembered that I have already seen him. I have seen him there that day at church in front of me, making a vow to me, I was in a white dress, I looked so happy. He was smiling me and saying these nice promises to me how he would love me in bad and in good. I saw my family there as well. It was so beautiful, big church with flowers; I was walking to the altar. That was the perfect wedding day; I was a real princess going to spend a happy life with my little prince. I was smiling in my mind, holding the phone in the bed. That could be a good sign for the future with that guy from the dating website. In the next moment, I felt something very, very heavy in my chest. It was like I couldn’t breathe, I was feeling physical pain. There was a vision in front of my eyes. I knew already that picture; I felt the horrible feeling again. That was Mark, with his sick mind, saying me that I am not his wife, I am broken person and all bad words, and the cold attitude. He was saying me again and again, how I cannot make it because I am not virgin. I felt the same rejection seeing that. I saw for a minute the whole horrible nightmare I had from this morning. Mark was that little prince. I just deleted my message and sign out from the website. I went myself to make a coffee and to cuddle my glorious fluffy ferrets. It was a beautiful day in the beginning of the spring just a week after my birthday. And I still waiting for my real soul- made to find me there walking on the beach and to take me to places where I have never been, to make my world more beautiful, to love me as who am I.

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